many years later

just came across this blog, three years later. i am not getting married, to the person who sees me for me. who loves me for me. the person that if she was exactly the same 10 years from now i would be so happy. we make changed together, we do things together, we support, love and appreciate each other.

i feel that i am in a period of change in my life again, gaining a sense of security in where i am going and what i am trying to accomplish. i am striving for more, i am attaining my goals, i am becoming my own person and feeling like i finally have grip on what has been pulling me down and i am not letting it pull me anymore.

i am taking control of my work, i am taking control of my health, i am motivated. i will accomplish my goal. i will get there. i will be proud of myself.

when all we can do is learn from the time we fear we've wasted

interesting conversation, accusations of lies, but no real reasoning behind them. i fell in love with her as a person not her as a body, or a gender. i'm sorry if that hurts you but at one time i fell in love with you as a person too. she just hasn't fucked me over like you did. i didnt know how it would feel to hear you say those words "i'm dating someone." and i'm happy to know that it felt great, so good. no reaction, no quickening of my heart. i didnt think that their would be but you never know.
its just amazing to me how someone can be so self centered, and have so little consideration for the feelings and emtions of others. you really do need to grow up. become a man, realize that there are consequences to your actions and that sometimes we can be immature and mature at the same time.

but you, you make me so much better than he did. finally i am with someone who appreciates all i have to offer and is going to take it all in. someone who does those little things, who shows me just by looking into my eyes how much she loves me.
and i dont care what people think, i dont care about the "friends" who question my motivation behind me dating you. i dont care. i am in love and i am in it forever. no hesitation, no regrets, jumping in with two feet. i am falling and willing to fall, and the fear of getting hurt doesn't scare me.

the advice i shoulda given myself

when and why did is start? you can't change the person you are with you only have to see if the qualities they have are ones that you can deal with. will they soon become quirks instead of problems. look at your partner... right now.... and imagine the exact same person five years, ten years down the road... can you deal with their imperfections? are they going to be able to deal with yours? people don't change for anyone but themselves, and in my opinion change isn't a one day deal but a journey that takes time and patience. it takes someone finding someone or something that they are willing to change for. if you are not happy now, you can't bank on them changing....so get out. and spare everyone the dragged on relationship.
sometimes, well a lot with me, people told me to get out... friends told me the things i didnt want to hear but probably knew in my heart. i knew that this was going to happen and i think thats why it wasnt a surprise to me. and why its so easy to believe everything else that is being told to me about it. i know you are going to deny. i would to. but i am not the victim here. i am just as guilty are you are. but you just dont know about it. does that make me a hypocrite. most definately. why should i demand something from you that i am not willing to give you myself? but in all reality i think it was so easy for me to do because i thought you were doing it all along. and really what were you offering within our relationship. you gave me nothing to stay for. i just stayed. i thought it was the right thing to do. i thought. you know.... i have put so much into this relationship that i should stay in and fight for it. but i was the only one fighting.. and was i really fighting or was i scared of being the bad person, being the bitch. well fuck that. so i stuck it out. many times when people told me not too. told me to throw in the towel and move on. that i could do so much better. but really so could you. i was doing to you what you did to all those girls before me and in the end did to me. .there's karma for you hey? i wish i was able to sit you down and have a frank discussion and ask all the questions. the whys...wheres...with who... and actually get an honest answer... but i doubt there is any honesty in your body. and sincerity in the things that you say. all you have ever done is lie to me. did i make it too hard for you to love me? did i make it hard to be with me? can and should i be blaming myself for everything that happened? probably but in the end i wasn't happy and i had emotionally checked outta the relationship long before i check outta it physically. i mean really who does that to someone.. i mean gees what kind of person? not a good one if you ask me. now i'm in something that i'm not willing to risk losing.. not even for him.. which is a big deal to me.. and i mean how could i? why would i want to once again be that person that i no longer talk to .. that i judge on a daily basis.. what makes me any better than them. i wouldn't say that i live with regrets but i definately would use that time machine to go back and undo all the damage done.. fix my morals and get me back to being myself. i look back at that me and i am ashamed. i judge myself...