the advice i shoulda given myself

when and why did is start? you can't change the person you are with you only have to see if the qualities they have are ones that you can deal with. will they soon become quirks instead of problems. look at your partner... right now.... and imagine the exact same person five years, ten years down the road... can you deal with their imperfections? are they going to be able to deal with yours? people don't change for anyone but themselves, and in my opinion change isn't a one day deal but a journey that takes time and patience. it takes someone finding someone or something that they are willing to change for. if you are not happy now, you can't bank on them changing....so get out. and spare everyone the dragged on relationship.
sometimes, well a lot with me, people told me to get out... friends told me the things i didnt want to hear but probably knew in my heart. i knew that this was going to happen and i think thats why it wasnt a surprise to me. and why its so easy to believe everything else that is being told to me about it. i know you are going to deny. i would to. but i am not the victim here. i am just as guilty are you are. but you just dont know about it. does that make me a hypocrite. most definately. why should i demand something from you that i am not willing to give you myself? but in all reality i think it was so easy for me to do because i thought you were doing it all along. and really what were you offering within our relationship. you gave me nothing to stay for. i just stayed. i thought it was the right thing to do. i thought. you know.... i have put so much into this relationship that i should stay in and fight for it. but i was the only one fighting.. and was i really fighting or was i scared of being the bad person, being the bitch. well fuck that. so i stuck it out. many times when people told me not too. told me to throw in the towel and move on. that i could do so much better. but really so could you. i was doing to you what you did to all those girls before me and in the end did to me. .there's karma for you hey? i wish i was able to sit you down and have a frank discussion and ask all the questions. the whys...wheres...with who... and actually get an honest answer... but i doubt there is any honesty in your body. and sincerity in the things that you say. all you have ever done is lie to me. did i make it too hard for you to love me? did i make it hard to be with me? can and should i be blaming myself for everything that happened? probably but in the end i wasn't happy and i had emotionally checked outta the relationship long before i check outta it physically. i mean really who does that to someone.. i mean gees what kind of person? not a good one if you ask me. now i'm in something that i'm not willing to risk losing.. not even for him.. which is a big deal to me.. and i mean how could i? why would i want to once again be that person that i no longer talk to .. that i judge on a daily basis.. what makes me any better than them. i wouldn't say that i live with regrets but i definately would use that time machine to go back and undo all the damage done.. fix my morals and get me back to being myself. i look back at that me and i am ashamed. i judge myself...